Is It Time to End Your Relationship? - Terri Cole
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Is it time to end your relationship?

Is It Time to End Your Relationship?

Have you ever felt massive confusion about whether the relationship you’re in right now is the right one for you to be in for the long-term? That feeling of not really knowing how to get to the right answer can be so anxiety producing.

Most of us have been there at one point or another in life. As confusing as deciding whether to stay or go in a relationship can be, there are key warning signs to look for and strategic questions to ask yourself, which is exactly what I will be breaking down for you today in this post.

The first question to ask yourself is: when it’s just you when you’re looking in the mirror and you’re by yourself, do you down deep in your truest heart know the truth? Do you believe that the relationship is over, but your fear of having to make a move stops you from acknowledging it?

The second question is: do you feel confused? Many of my clients, particularly high-functioning women, report feeling confused and torn in their relationships. They don’t really want to end it, but there’s always a ‘but’ and when we really dig down, most of the time when someone comes in and they’re presenting with confusion, what they’re really feeling is that it’s not the right relationship, but they don’t want to make waves or hurt their partner. They never learned how to draw boundaries. They don’t know how to do it in a right way in their mind and feel that if the other person hasn’t ‘done anything wrong’ that they don’t have a good enough reason to end the relationship. (Note: Not being in love is a good enough reason.)

The third question is: when was the last time you had fun together? Really think about it. When was the last time, as a couple, you spent time belly-laughing about something? Can you think of that time? Does it come to your mind easily?

The next question is: do you want to tell them your deepest, darkest feelings or not really? Are they still the person that you want to tell everything to, like in the beginning when you first fell in love?  

Of course, the follow up to that is: do you trust them with your deepest, darkest feelings? Are they someone who is trustworthy, or do you fear that they may use that information against you in a fight? Have they become someone you feel you need to protect yourself from? Because that’s definitely an indication that something needs to change (or end).

Can you list 10 things that you still love about your partner? I’m sure when you first started seeing this person there were plenty of things that you loved about them. And then the next question is, do you think that they could list 10 things that they still love about you? You don’t have to ask them but deep down you know…how it would go if you did ask them?

The next question is: do you talk to them just to talk? Do you remember when you were first together? Sometimes people will talk about the first date when they talked for hours. So, do you ever talk just to talk – to find out more about that person even if you’ve been together for many years? Because I find with a lot of couples that stops happening. It’s like we simply forget to talk to each other for the sake of nurturing the connection.

The next question is: do you really share your truest self as you’ve changed and grown over the years (if you’ve been together for years) or again, do you find yourself hiding your true self from that person because they don’t feel like a safe person, or you don’t think they’d be interested? This is not always because of disagreements –  it could be apathy, or a lack of connection.

There are many ways that our relationships change and these questions will hopefully help you decide if there is still enough there that you can choose to work on. Maybe there are things that you can do that would make it better, that would make it different. But before you can make any decision like that, you actually have to decide if you want to and if it’s worth your effort or if you are really done in your heart of hearts.

The next question is: do you communicate when you have a problem with them or do you find that either you don’t care anymore or you’re afraid it’s going to turn into a fight? Or perhaps you feel there is no point as nothing is going to change?

Another question to really examine is: are you still having sex? And if the answer is yes, are you still having sex because you really want to or because you feel obliged to so as to avoid conflict? Are you still having sex but don’t feel connected? Is there a lack on TRUE intimacy?

The next question is: do you find yourself picking fights because unconsciously you really want the other person to end the relationship? This can be a hard thing too, but it happens all the time because your heart wants what your heart wants and if you are really checked out of that relationship, there’s a part of you that wants to move on, but you may not know how to handle it directly.

When you find yourself daydreaming or even future tripping about your life, is the person you’re currently involved with part of that future? Do you see yourself with them in five years from now or four years from now? Or do you have daydreams that don’t include them? Because this would be a real indication that secretly somewhere down deep, you don’t see yourself with them long-term, but may not want to admit it.

Another really good question is: do you miss your partner when you are separated? Of course in ANY long-term relationship, there is nothing wrong with having a day where it feels nice to be independent again and get to spend quality time WITHOUT your partner – that’s healthy and normal – but if you’re apart from them for a week, do you miss them or are you relieved to be away from them rather than finding yourself actually missing them? If you’re apart and you have to call them, does it feel more like a chore than something that you want to do?

Some of these questions are hard questions to ask yourself and so much of the time, we can make ourselves so incredibly busy (especially when raising kids, working through financial hardships, etc.) that we don’t ask these questions for years. Sometimes there are other pressing situations that must be prioritized over our heart’s desire, but how you feel really still matters.

 

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Don’t let your relationship passively ‘happen’ to you. Consciously Decide + Take Action Towards Your Goal #RealLoveRevolution

 

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I am not telling you to end your relationship, but I really just want you to use this video as a guide to get to your own real space – your own truth of what is real for you. The bottom line is that denial and avoidance only work for so long and can set you up to be vulnerable to having an affair because sometimes if we feel that we can’t end the relationship ourselves, we subconsciously desire to “get caught” doing something like that as we know it will force the issue to a conclusion – but that’s a very messy way to end a relationship. Nobody wants that for you or for that other person that you’ve loved, regardless of whether you think that they’re your forever person anymore.

I have one more question: Do you feel physically drawn to your partner? When you’re in a room with them, do you still want to be close to them or snuggle up to them? I don’t necessarily mean in a sexual way, but just in a physically affectionate way – or do you feel like you actually want to put distance between you?

There is a lot to think about when you ask yourself these questions, and the truth is that deep down if you are honest with yourself, you already know the answers. What I hope for you is that this video inspires you to ask the hard questions so that you can get into a position of either intentionally deciding to work on the relationship, or lovingly end the relationship. I’m going to do a follow-up video about how to separate consciously, lovingly and mindfully – so that if we do need to end a relationship, we can do it without annihilating the other person – which is unkind and not necessary.

I hope that you have found this deep dive helpful and speaking of diving deep for all the ladies in the crew – Real Love Revolution Season is upon us so please go to https://www.terricole.com/raiseyourlovevibe to sign up for my Free 5-Day Raise Your Love Vibe Challenge starting March 19th!

Terri Cole
https://terricole.com
16 Comments
  • Emiliya Zhivotovskaya
    Posted at 21:53h, 12 March Reply

    Love this Terri! Thank you!

    • Terri Cole
      Posted at 20:16h, 16 March Reply

      Emiliya,
      I am so glad the vid resonated with you. Thanks for being here!

  • Kay Raypholtz
    Posted at 22:33h, 12 March Reply

    You have no idea how much I’ve needed to hear this! You’re right, I’ve known for some time, but just need that kick in the pants to get moving. Looking forward to your next video.

    • Terri Cole
      Posted at 20:16h, 16 March Reply

      Happy to provide a loving kick in the tush, Kay! Thanks for being here!!

  • Kim Sikes
    Posted at 13:47h, 03 April Reply

    Thank you for these. I’m not liking some of my answers. How do you distinguish a relationship to need to get out of vs a relationship that is a challenge you’ve finally accepted to help overcome your self-limiting beliefs that have prevented you from having relationships in the past (for yourself and your partner)? How do you know that maybe you don’t need to bail but this is your opportunity to learn and keep pushing past your comfort zones and encouraging your partner to meet you in that place? As you can see I’m still very confused 🙂 P.S. I discovered you on the Smart Couple podcast this morning and was immediately drawn to you. I have a lot to learn from you!

    • Terri Cole
      Posted at 21:45h, 04 April Reply

      Thanks for your question, Kim. Every person has a different definition of deal breakers in relationships. You have to honestly assess how much of the time you feel happy, satisfied, seen or heard. and if you don’t like the % you come up with -then ask yourself what would have to happen for things to change. Are you willing to do the work, is your partner? That is where I would start. Thanks for being here!

      • Kim Sikes
        Posted at 11:24h, 09 April Reply

        I hear you. Man, what a challenge. I know this will help me grow if I can stay in the fire but I think back to fond memories of the bliss of being single. Of course that’s the bliss of being stuck and going nowhere. *sigh* Thanks for taking the time to share your wisdom! XO

        • Terri Cole
          Posted at 14:16h, 09 April Reply

          Kim,
          Thank you for being here with us! The grass is always greener they say…but you know the real deal- it works if you work it 😉

  • Confused Heart
    Posted at 15:22h, 16 April Reply

    Terri, thank you for sharing this and for your amazing insights! I have been following/reading your work for a while now and this came at just the right time.

    I watched this a month ago and wasn’t quite ready to dig in until your video on how to end a relationship well arrived in my inbox today.

    I answered the questions but I am still torn…
    You mentioned something about including a “key” for the worksheet that we could use for clarity once we’ve answered the questions. Am I being daft and missing it somehow?

    Unfortunately, we got to a point where an affair took place so the healing and decision making process is obviously extremely difficult .

    Much love and gratitude.

    • Terri Cole
      Posted at 15:52h, 16 April Reply

      Thanks for being here! At the bottom of the blog is a download button -if you hit that you can download the ‘cheat sheet’ to remind you of the steps to take. Wishing you the best luck on your healing journey xo

      • Confused Heart
        Posted at 16:47h, 16 April Reply

        Thanks, Terri.
        I did download the sheet…guess I was hoping for something like if mostly Yes then stay or if more Nos then go. 🙂
        I think it really boils down to getting still and quiet, tapping into the language of my body and soul and having the courage to follow through either way.

        • Terri Cole
          Posted at 17:15h, 16 April Reply

          I feel you and am sending you energy of stillness, silence and clarity xo

          • Confused Heart
            Posted at 09:55h, 17 April

            I received the energy you sent…I deeply thank you.

            And appreciate the “key” you shared below…very helpful.

            We are seeking professional help and I may share these questions with our therapist and my husband. It might be helpful for him to answer these questions as well.

    • Brenda Franczek
      Posted at 18:18h, 16 April Reply

      I thought she said there was a key as well….a little confused.

      • Terri Cole
        Posted at 19:49h, 16 April Reply

        You are totally right, Brenda! I forgot to add the Key but here it is :
        Key
        Your honest answer to question #1 is your truth.
        If you answered ‘YES’ to two or more of the following questions 2, 9, 10, 12, 15, and/or ‘NO’ to two or more of the following questions 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 11,13, 14 it might be time to seriously consider ending your relationship.

        Thanks for pointing it out, I will have my person add it to the download 😉

    • Terri Cole
      Posted at 19:53h, 16 April Reply

      I just re-watched the vid and realized you are right, the Key is missing in the download so since it will take a minute for my team to add it- here it is and THANK YOU for pointing it out (along with Brneda 😉
      Key
      Your honest answer to question #1 is your truth.
      If you answered ‘YES’ to two or more of the following questions 2, 9, 10, 12, 15, and/or ‘NO’ to two or more of the following questions 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 11,13, 14 it might be time to seriously consider ending your relationship.

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