How Daughters of Narcissists Can Survive and Thrive - Terri Cole
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How Daughters of Narcissists Can Survive and Thrive

Her hysterical sobbing made it difficult for me to make out what she was saying. Finally she said, ”My mother just informed me that she is wearing a white dress to my wedding. She has already purchased it and when I asked her to at least add a navy sash and jacket, she refused and told me how ashamed she was of me for being such an ungrateful and selfish daughter.” 
Above is an actual story of a former client who is the daughter of a narcissistic mother.

Does your mother guilt trip you or emotionally blackmail you? Does she act competitively with you or take credit for your talent or accomplishments?
These are all behavioral patterns of the narcissistic mother. 
I promise you, if you have one, you know it, even if you haven’t had the correct language to describe it. It is an incredibly painful experience to be the child of a mother with this personality disorder, and particularly painful for daughters. In this week’s Real Love Revolution video, I will be tackling the topic of how to survive and thrive from this experience. I’ll be covering:
  • Two types of narcissistic mothers
  • The behavior these mothers display
  • How to heal from having a narcissistic mother
  • Steps to take to prioritize your own health and happiness

There are two different types of narcissistic mothers. The engulfing narcissist who sees their daughter as an extension of themselves. This mother takes credit for any achievements or talents the child displays as her own. The second type is the ignoring narcissist. She has little interest in her daughter’s life and takes minimal care of her while growing up. This mother continues to focus most of her energy and attention on herself. This experience can be counterintuitive because in American culture, mothers are idolized as all nurturing, forgiving, self-sacrificing angels. Therefore, speaking ill of your mother is considered almost sacrilegious and carries shame. The insidious emotional abuse in this experience can be devastating and isolating because it leaves no physical evidence but the destruction to a child’s sense of self and safety in the world is undeniable. 


If you have experienced the very conditional love of a narcissistic mother, it is time to focus on how you can move from surviving to thriving. The first step is to draw solid boundaries to limit contact, which will help to prevent further damage. Another step toward healing is to find support, whether through a group or in individual therapy, or both. This type of abuse is very specific, and learning more about narcissistic mothers while connecting with other women who have gone through the same experience can accelerate your healing. To learn more about the two types of narcissistic mothers, the behaviors they display, and how to survive it, download the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Survival Guide below now! 

It is possible for you to heal from this experience. You deserve to be seen and loved for who you are.

Drop me a comment here on the blog and let me know what resonated with you after watching this video. Then head over to my YouTube Channel and SUBSCRIBE for FREE access to every Real Love Revolution vid! Join the conversation with #RealLoveRevolution on social media and share the love!

And ladies, if you haven’t yet joined the Real Love Revolution waiting list to gain immediate access to our private FB group and receive a bundle of FREE gifts from me plus a monthly livestream Q&A with on the last Friday of the month at 5PM ET, please click here to join us!
Thanks for watching, reading, and sharing! 
And as always, take care of YOU.  
Terri Cole

Terri Cole
  • Margie
    Posted at 16:00h, 20 April Reply

    How can my mother be both types of narcissistic person. I listened to your video. Every single point you made resonates with me. I’ve downloaded your survival list. Terri, I can hardly wait for this painfully long love to be over and she’s gone from the planet. Such a deep sickness to cope with has been torture. My career and personal life have suffered for it. I’ll continue to follow your guidance. Thank you, Margie

    • Terri Cole
      Posted at 23:21h, 22 April Reply

      I am sending you so much healing energy mama. Keep taking care of you xo

    • Cindersnomore
      Posted at 19:07h, 27 December Reply

      I’m the same as you Margie-
      To me..this swing from being engulfed to discarded over and over…I sum up as being up as being constantly hoovered; then Triangulated with other 3 siblings and it discarded. It has been he’ll with her in my head every single day. It Has brought me; however; Very close to God as I have been so alone and the way she(& n sister) finally wanted me-alone. But alone has made NC far easier and I Am starting heal after 2 years. Thank you Teri…your voice and manner is Extremely Healing and soothing & I feel less alone when I hear your sweet voice.

      • Terri Cole
        Posted at 10:31h, 02 January Reply

        I am so glad you are here with me and that this vid resonated with you. You are two years into your healing journey and it will only get better from here. Sending you strength and a big virtual hug!

  • Teri
    Posted at 20:49h, 27 April Reply

    What about daughters of narcissist father’s? He is so awful that my Mother was grateful when she was diagnosed as terminal. I am an only child and he makes want to kill myself sometimes. He’s just an awful, self involved person.

    • Terri Cole
      Posted at 20:52h, 27 April Reply

      I just filmed a vid for daughters of narcissistic fathers today my dear. It will be out in the next few weeks. Instead of considering harming yourself why don’t you limit or cut off contact with him? It is your right to protect yourself, even if you are an only child. Sending healing vibes your way. xo

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  • Jeanne
    Posted at 05:09h, 17 June Reply

    I just encounterd ur video by chance and found out that im not alone! Im in my early 40s , married with children and stil under the control of my suffocating mom, her intentions are good to begin with , but her outbursts and being unstable make me question my own sanity, i just downloaded the survival guide and looking forward to start healing , thank you so much, you are a God send.

    • Terri Cole
      Posted at 00:14h, 19 June Reply

      Hi Jeanne,
      I’m so happy you found this helpful and thank you for the kind words!
      All love, Terri

  • jeanette
    Posted at 08:01h, 02 July Reply

    just coming to grips about the narcissistic traits, and realizing i was raised by one. even though she passed away in 2009, her messages are still in my head….often among the negative thoughts i have to push away. i’m glad to find this, terri cole, and feel comforted already. very much enjoyed the way you present things. although i can journal about, it will be nice not to feel alone in this turmoil.

    • Terri Cole
      Posted at 12:04h, 16 July Reply

      You are not alone, Jeanette, and I’m so happy you found this helpful.

  • Jamie
    Posted at 17:39h, 04 July Reply

    Hi Terri,
    Thank you so much for the hard work you put into your videos and creating a sense of validation for all the women who’ve been through this. Within the last year I’ve realized my mother is a narcissist and it has been very difficult to accept and cope with. I always find myself wondering why she is the way she is and wondering what I could do to make her not be so horrible. Your videos are helping me recover from the abuse and internal damage that for so long I’ve thought was just my own weakness and delusion. So thankful for your videos!

    • Terri Cole
      Posted at 12:02h, 16 July Reply

      I’m so happy you found my videos helpful. Thank you for watching, Jamie!

  • Beverley Daniel
    Posted at 21:59h, 02 September Reply

    Thank you for posting, I have a lump in my throat, this is so real to me… I was trying to download the sheet but it wouldn’t let me, the link on the video didn’t work, is there any other way I can get it?

    • Terri Cole
      Posted at 19:52h, 04 September Reply

      Hi Beverley, thank you for reading/watching. Please click here to download the cheat sheet. XO, Terri

  • R Hb
    Posted at 17:55h, 03 September Reply

    All this happened to me! Yet I am sane, stable and resilient! I avoid my horrible mom who is so lovely with everybody else. She would steel my stuff to give to my brother or my sister in law! She bullies my kids. I am just worried abour me one day becoming her in the way I raise my daughter. I need tips please. Also, as I never felt I had a mother. I was looking for a mother in my mother in law. It was ok at the start till my sister in law refused to share her mom with me and started making problems. How can I heal from having such a horrible mom? I need to be loved by a mom…

    • Terri Cole
      Posted at 11:30h, 18 September Reply

      Thank you for sharing here. I am so sorry to hear of your painful situation. You are already a million times more aware mother to your daughter than yours was for you. You can advance your healing by building self love and self care. We ultimately become the good mothers to ourselves and we find appropriate mother figures as well. If you love your mother in law, you can have that relationship with her without your sister in law’s permission. Keep your relationship separate and also seek out caring and nurturing friends and mentors who are loving women. Be the mother to your daughter that yours never was to you and this will advance your own healing immensely. I am sending you soothing energy and wishing you the best on this journey xo

  • Doreen
    Posted at 11:21h, 18 September Reply

    Terri, thank you! I’ve been on the healing trail for 3 decades. As I allowed the healing to occur very gradually, I’ve become more aware. I cried when I read this. What I could not articulate, you have so clearly validated. Words cannot express the gratitude I feel. Namaste

    • Terri Cole
      Posted at 11:26h, 18 September Reply

      It warms my heart to think the post added comfort to your healing journey. Thank you for sharing and for being here. Keep up the amazing work! xo

  • Doreen
    Posted at 12:28h, 18 September Reply

    Thank you Terri, I think the hardest thing for me as I learn more about the narcissist mother, is forgiving myself: I see that I’ve been somewhat narcissistIC myself. No wonder! What I learned in a home where I think both parents were narcissists. Is that possible? Power struggles were the norm. So I question what is real. Is her behavior deliberate? Is it so bad? If I’m to forgive my response to being born into that, I must forgive them. We are all doing the best we can. Divine Mother is holding me in Her arms. I’m a victim and a perpetrator. I want peace and forgiveness without self imposed guilt and shame. How can I tell my mother why I want reduced contact? I truly am stuck for words. My intention is not to punish, but to heal myself. Its still Silent Treatment.

    • Terri Cole
      Posted at 00:47h, 23 December Reply

      Thank you for sharing here, Doreen. I think stepping back and saying you are taking time to work on yourself or just simply making plans with her less with no explanation is a perfectly legit way to go. Keep up the great self reflection and healing.

  • l. Gailey
    Posted at 22:42h, 03 October Reply


    Right now I am in a low to no contact with my own mother. Appreciate the YouTube video. I went and got help as well which cleared up lots!

    This one sentence is sad as I was going with my own mother to a point where she was abusing my own children as I felt so torn. I wanted to be loyal, yet wanted to protect my own family. Recently, I was thinking on the difference between my husband passing away, or my mother. I noticed I was upset suddenly with the thought about my husband as I love him dearly as my own life. With my mother however, not one tear, not one emotion, it was like a stranger I was thinking on. I felt it odd to feel that way, but looking back at least I don’t have such anger towards her. It feels like an unhinging. As I understand it, she is a prophet in her own land and I can not change how she feels or what she thinks of me.

    The best way in which I heard it explained was something I heard, and unfortunately I don’t know where from. More than likely, I was at a point where this was needed and would be accepted. The story starts…. Sometime in years past there was an experiment that was done on a group of puppies. There were three doors in which the puppies lived. Behind one door the lab assistance loved the puppies, nursed, and played with them. The second room the puppies were beaten, and treated cruelly. The third door the puppies were either love, or beaten. What was found out was that the puppies that were in the third room were more loyal to the lab assistance than the other two rooms. Why? It was because the puppies never knew WHAT they would receive once someone entered the room. I was that third room of puppies and boy did it hit home! It explained clearly what I did not understand for years!!

    I remember it starting when I was very young when she was inconvenienced in taking me to the bathroom at a church. I still remember the look on her face and remembered my confusion. She told me once I was done as she stood outside my stall with it open looking at me,” I know others who wipe themselves much better than YOU.” And all my small mind all I could think of is,”Who?” My best guess would be I was either three, or four as I was not in school yet.

    I had only told this story about the bathroom twice now. I know now this was not my fault, but my own mother’s upbringing as she was a child out of wedlock. I am sure ( from the few stories she has told) she no longer cared if her mother punished her. Which makes me wonder if she was relieved when her own mother passed away. I believe she only cried for show, but did not really care as she told most people that saw me upset that I was only crying because my boyfriend broke up with me which was only part true, but I see now how inappropriate it was as I was upset at the loss as well. It was like she was covering for herself because she could not feel the loss and always said negative things to me or about me including trying to use old classmates to contact me if she wanted to know what I was up to. Still does in 2017. Funny enough, I was a loner all through school and did not have many friends.

    I am glad I am not on any social media so she can watch me.

    I believe this Christmas my family and I will not be home so she can not stay. Her own grandchildren can not stand her which in my heart find sad, and yet she post tons of stuff on her fb account about her *golden child* aka my brother’s kids, him, or post other things people give to her on her birthday, yet never post anything that ever came from us. Sigh. I can let it go now. It really is not that important any more and when she passes I will go to her funeral, but more than likely not ever cry.

    Please don’t get me wrong. I do continue to pray for her as well as my brother, and other family members that have treat me badly. I have a happy life and I want to continue to move forward and think as Galatians says,”think on lovely things.”

    Thank you for reading. :o)

    • Terri Cole
      Posted at 00:42h, 23 December Reply

      Thank you for sharing your story of inspiration and resiliency here with us! So good to hear you have created your own life. The more you release the need to have any approval from her -the happier you will be. Save your time and energy for the family you have created for yourself my dear. Enjoy the Holidays and yes, think lovely things 😉

    • Sylvia Banks
      Posted at 20:32h, 24 January Reply

      L. Bailey,

      Swear you have described my mom to a t. 🙁 I am still working on gettin the courage to stand up for myself. She constantly undermines my parenting and I suspect she is trying to creat drama between my hubby & I. But theres always this feeling nagging at me that I shouldnt disrespect her. Before my father passed he would run interference and call her on her manipulative games. Since then, she is 10 times worse. Oh and I don’t have a “golden child” sibling – its actually my COUSIN who my mom adores and boasts about. I don’t know how to find peace without being a total b**** to her.

  • l. Gailey
    Posted at 22:47h, 03 October Reply

    Have a no to low contact with my own mother. Like some of the other comments here it has taken a while to heal certain areas in my life. I don’t know about anyone else, but my own abuse begin at three years old and I remember it clearly. I am thankful I have moved past most issues now. I went for help and hope others will as well either through Terri Cole or someone local. Praying for guidance helps!! :o) May you begin your journey of healing.

    • Terri Cole
      Posted at 00:37h, 23 December Reply

      Thank you for sharing your inspiring story here. Keep up the great work.

  • How Daughters of Narcissists Survive and Thrive | Everyday News Update
    Posted at 15:18h, 06 October Reply

    […] If you have experienced the very conditional love of a narcissistic mother, it is time to focus on how you can move from surviving to thriving. The first step is to draw solid boundaries to limit contact, which will help to prevent further damage. Another step toward healing is to find support, whether through a group or in individual therapy, or both. This type of abuse is very specific, and learning more about narcissistic mothers while connecting with other women who have gone through the same experience can accelerate your healing. To learn more about the two types of narcissistic mothers, the behaviors they display, and how to survive it, download the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Survival Guide here! […]

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