Relationships Archives - terri cole
Are You Dating a Narcissist?

Are You Dating a Narcissist?

Are you a giving person? Do you find that you are a magnet for takers? If you attract partners and pals who love to talk about themselves, are easily offended, exaggerate their accomplishments, believe they are above the rules and expect “special” treatment then today’s Real Love Revolution vid about the damage and danger of dating a narcissist is for YOU!  Does the above description resonate with you? Does it perhaps remind you of your partner or one of your parents? Or can you see yourself in there? When it comes to being in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s difficult to find any real intimacy because everything is about your functionality in their life. Narcissists can love only on a superficial level. As long as you are doing what they think you are supposed to be doing, all is well. (And when I say “well,” I mean they get what they want and you stay unsatisfied, unseen and unheard.) The moment you deny them exactly what they want, look out! They will explode, get mean and do just about anything to get you back in line with their plan. If you don’t comply, they will leave. Actions and conversations with a narcissist all revolve around building them up, even when it’s “about you,” it’s really about them – they get to “show you off to their friends.” That isn’t about you at all. It’s about their ego and how you make them look. How can you possibly be your true self in a relationship with someone who only sees you through how you benefit them? A real relationship requires...
How to Overcome Perfectionism

How to Overcome Perfectionism

Do you tell yourself that once you lose the 20 lbs you’ll be ready to dive into the dating pool? What level of success do you think you need to reach before you are worthy of being loved? Are you harsh and critical of yourself and others for any small mistake?         For week two of the Real Love Revolution video series, we are tackling the topic of perfectionism. Many people believe being a perfectionist equals being successful – they brag about getting four hours of sleep because of work, they believe workaholism is necessary to reach their goals, and they use their achievements to avoid shame, blame, guilt and rejection. Perfectionism not only causes you stress and unnecessary anxiety from this perceived need to always “get it right,” it actually prevents you from moving forward in your life and your relationships. The need to be perfect can be a result of an array of dysfunctional childhood experiences. This creates a fear of failure, which can make you extremely sensitive to any criticism, causing people to tip-toe around you and preventing them from communicating honestly with you. Fear of failure is also fear of rejection. You can’t share yourself authentically if you are always adapting your behavior to please others so they won’t reject you. So rather than looking at perfectionism as a synonym for success, let’s see it for what it truly is: a roadblock on your journey to real love, with yourself and with others. In this video, you will get: A quick expansion meditation Tips for understanding how perfectionism is harmful to your...
Grief, Love & Loss

Grief, Love & Loss

“When it’s your time to go, you won’t wish you’d spent more time grieving. You’ll wish you’d spent more time living.” — Christina Rasmussen We have all experienced loss in one way or another in our lives. Like change, it is an inevitable fact of being human. Whether it’s a job, a loved one, a relationship, a dream or anything else — loss can be devastating. Suffering a significant loss of a loved one can leave you feeling empty. From that place of emptiness it’s easy to spiral downward into feelings of unshakable sadness and hopelessness. Loss isn’t something you can prepare for because the actual experience is almost always more difficult and heartbreaking than one could ever imagine. Unprocessed loss can take you hostage. This topic of spousal loss is close to my heart because I married a widower eighteen years ago. My husband, Vic, lost his young wife Donna due to cancer when she was just twenty nine. They had three young sons ages five, three and nine months old. When Vic and I fell in love, twelve years later, I was acutely sensitive to the fact that my joy (finding my family and the love of my life) was made possible because of unspeakable pain and loss. Vic describes years of feeling overwhelmed and at times hopeless. Feelings of hopelessness can be a normal part of the process of grief and yet we all know that zillions of people since the beginning of time have risen above the ashes to reclaim a sense of hope, light and even joy. It may feel impossible while you’re going through...
The Struggle to Set Boundaries

The Struggle to Set Boundaries

Establishing healthy boundaries and enforcing them builds self-worth & confidence—both very sexy qualities. @Terri_Cole {CLICK TO TWEET} The struggle to set boundaries in relationships and in life is one of the most common issues I hear about in my sessions with clients. Many people, women especially, find themselves feeling drained and resentful because they are constantly doing things for others that they would rather not do. Since their boundaries are unclear (either to themselves or others) they continue to give away their energy, time and personal power. When you have weak boundaries, it’s almost impossible to prioritize your own needs, wants and desires. For many people personal boundaries can be difficult to define because the lines are invisible, can change, and are unique to each and every individual. In order to have a strong sense of self, it’s vital that you understand and express your boundaries as they allow you to protect and take care of yourself.  Having personal boundaries (and sticking to them) is also a huge part of having healthy and happy relationships, especially romantic. Personal boundaries define where you end and others begin, both psychically and emotionally. Setting and keeping boundaries is about honoring your feelings. When you don’t assert healthy boundaries you are essentially giving up your right to choose and your power. Your ability to draw boundaries with love is heavily influenced by what you witnessed from your family of origin. For example, if mom was constantly taking care of everyone else (particularly those over the age of six), then you may find yourself as a parent, friend or employee doing the same; feeling...
Beyond Betrayed: How to Heal After Betrayal

Beyond Betrayed: How to Heal After Betrayal

Lied to. Cheated on. Stabbed in the back. Most of us will experience some kind of betrayal in our lifetime. Whether it’s by a parent, partner, child or friend, when your trust is violated, it hurts. Often it’s accidental, sometimes intentional, though regardless of why or how it happened, betrayal can cause a major injury. Some level of betrayal is almost unavoidable in any close relationship, because let’s face it, people make mistakes. No matter when it happens there will be feelings of vulnerability, anger and hurt. You may wonder if you can ever trust again and how to move forward in your relationship and perhaps life. #Betrayal : Will it leave you Bitter or Better? #YouChoose @Terri_Cole {CLICK TO TWEET} Trust is essential to creating and maintaining deep and meaningful connections; it is the foundation for healthy relationships. Rebuilding trust after betrayal is not easy and sometimes not appropriate. Regardless of what you decide to do after a betrayal, a more important decision might be, who you will be after a betrayal. There is an opportunity in every crappy situation to understand yourself more deeply.I encourage you to reflect on situations where you feel you’ve been betrayed. Rather than focusing on what was done to you, consider your part in what went down.. For example, perhaps your gut told you not to trust someone and you did anyway. Or maybe you were betrayed a second time by the same person, and wish you had ended the relationship sooner. Or perhaps you just weren’t paying close enough attention and ended up getting ripped off. No matter what the case,...
If You’ve Have an Ex You Have to Read This

If You’ve Have an Ex You Have to Read This

Ex boyfriend. Ex girlfriend. Ex husband. Ex wife or ex lover, we all have them. Some people have many. Though, your relationship with your ex(es) (or lack thereof) is unique to you and differs from person to person. Perhaps you still talk to your ex from college, while just the idea of your most recent ex angers you to the core. Or you may be co-parenting with your ex-spouse, but still deeply suffering from the pain of that relationship. Whether a relationship ended twenty years or twenty days ago, the agony caused by a hurtful breakup can create a deep wound. Harboring hate for an ex, which usually stems from pain and fear, can keep you feeling bitter, angry and emotionally stuck. You may even have built up a wall around your heart that blocks you from experiencing true intimacy with others. As a therapist, I have heard thousands of breakup stories ranging from very sweet to straight up scary. The one thing I can tell you is that no matter what, breaking up is rarely ever easy. It’s often dealing with your emotions after the fact, that is most challenging. Letting your negative feelings fester and turning towards hate can be tempting because anger is an easier emotion for many people to handle than hurt. If you hate your ex then please know you’re not alone. Though, it’s important that you also know that until you release that hate, your heart will never truly heal. Holding on to hate is as the Buddha said “…like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The hate you carry...