This week’s Tune Up Tip is called “Got Ego,” but it really could be called “How Offend-able Are You.”
How often do you find yourself saying things like, “I can’t believe this person said that to me,” “That person owes me an apology,” or “I’m so pissed that they thought [or said] that.” Do you often feel offended?
First, let’s break down what an offense is. It is your ego’s response to what someone else said. When you are offended, you are in an ego-driven state, which is, ultimately, disempowering and a victim mentality. Your Ego, or Self, will fall into one of these categories as a way to cope with the loss of empowerment:
- High Ego—power hungry; self absorbed; focus on external image; needs validation from others; blames/condemns others in order to boost self
- Low Ego—no power; codependency; lost/confused; plays martyr; never feels gets what deserves; over carrying and worrying; always doubting self and putting self down
Interestingly enough, the high and low egos are two sides of the same coin. Both mask their genuine self by looking outside for validation, are overly concerned with the image they are portraying, tend to blame others, and are never satisfied. Can you see how, depending on your reaction, being offended can fall into either your high or low ego? If your response is something like, “Who do they think they are? I deserve an apology,” then you tend to lean toward the High Ego reaction. If you say something like, “Why is that person picking on me? What did I ever do to them,” you lean more toward the Low Ego response. Neither is a healthy functional response so let’s get to the re-frame!
The cure to being offend-able is to realize that you cannot control others, but you can control how you react and respond to what others say and do.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what someone else thinks. In YOUR life, what matters is what YOU think.
I encourage you to speak your truth, and there is nothing wrong with telling the other person “I did not like that interaction” or “I feel like we can communicate in a less hostile manner,” something along those lines.
This week (seven whole days), I want you to dial into what your immediate reaction wants to be when someone offends you, whether speaking to you or about you, and see if you can take a step back and not react.
What others think of you is none of YOUR business.
It’s about what you think of you. As long as you think you are worthy and amazing, you don’t need to be offended. It is a waste of your precious time and energy and gives the offender control over you.
I would love to know your thoughts about this. Did it offend you 
? Please share.
I hope you have an amazing week and, as always, take care of you.
Love Love Love
Terri
soozannah
Hi Terri,
I seem to have come across your article at the perfect time. Everything seems to offend and upset me at the minute. It is almost as though I have been going around looking for rejection in every interaction I have with others. I feel quite angry a lot of the time and then become snappy, irritable and less than compassionate towards others – then I feel extremely guilty and like i’m a terrible person. I have cut people off because I felt offended by something they said or did, which in hindsight was probably not the best way to handle the situation. I think that part of this comes from not feeling completely confident within myself and within my ability to communicate my needs and/or boundaries to others, so I keep people at a distance and then feel depressed and lonely – I need to find a better way to handle conflict and disagreements!
Renee
The question is: How do you convince yourself you are amazing?
Terri Cole
Renee-
Treat yourself with the kindness that you would a 5 year old child you love. Be kind and patient with yourself. Give of yourself generously to others in need. Make choices that make you proud. Be forgiving and have fun.
The truth in you are nothing short of amazing since YOU my dear are the only you that ever was or ever will be. No other person has your exact DNA so embrace what makes you special and work on the things you would like to change.
<3
Terri Cole
soozannah-
i think your insight to why you have been offend-able is right on the money. work on loving yourself and being kind to you. think about starting a meditation practice which will buy you reaction time. your ego is all fear-your heart is all love. try to have a loving response even when someone else might be acting badly. it is lonely and exhausting being driven by fear-choose LOVE my friend. <3
Karen
Terri: It really bugs me that my mother gets upset because people don’t tell her things. Case in point, she learned from my cousing that my aunt and uncle are going on a cruise next month. Since she found out from her and not from them, she has been going on and on about it, and how she doesn’t see what the big deal is. To me, it is nothing to be upset about. She says that she doesn’t begrudge them, they can afford it, they should go; and yet, she keeps on talking about it. She often become angry with me because I won’t share confidences that others have shared with me. When she finally finds out something, she’ll call me and say “I bet you knew–didn’t you. Hum, I guess I’m the only one who can’t know.” I feel when someone is going through something that it serves no purpose to inform people who will not be a part of the solution. I think that gossipping and I won’t do it. Also, trust is important to me. I hate it when she goes after me like this. What can I do besides try to ignore her…which also makes her angry? Thank, K
Terri Cole
Karen-
Your instincts are great so keep up the good work! You can tell your mother lovingly and plainly that it is not your job to inform her of other people’s business. When she starts to go on or come after you, say, I am not having this conversation again but know that I love you so I am hanging up now. And then do it. If you are in person with her restate your position and if she acts mad-let her-but you continue to act normally. If she becomes too hostile again take yourself out of the situation. She will stop if you stop engaging but that is not why to do it. You stop engaging because it is unhealthy for you-period. <3
Robin
I saw someone who I have not seen in 10 years. I was with my dad and our backs were turned. He said hello to my dad but not me. I didn’t turn around and he got mad and slamed the door. I don’t know what to do about patching things up? Iam upset that he didn’t say hello to me. But Iam going to let that go.
Terri Cole
Robin-
It sounds like fear was the reason yo did not turn around. Instead of assuming he might not of known it was you since it had been so long or taking the initiative to say hello to him-your ego got bruised. You are human so forgive yourself and reach to the person if they are important to you and say you are sorry you did not say hello but felt bad that he had not said hello to you. Simple and easy. Just say you are sorry if you are and don’t if you are not.You can do it Robin!
Loli
Dear Terri.
I found your blog and I feel so happy. I finally feel that I can vent in the right place.
I feel very offended that my bf insinuates that I’m snoopy in our own apartment!! We have lived together for more than 2 year by now. I made a mistake in the past by checking his phone and emails when we started to live together.I had my reasons but I confronted the situation and apologized since I knew it was a wrong bevahiour. He got very mad!!
Cleaning and moving things. I found a lost video camera and I knew there were videotapes around, so I collected them and started to labeled them. I knew that in some of those I appeared since we made them. I came across old tapes where I didn’t appear instead ex’s where there. I know he is very disorganized and since I’m very sensitive stop watching and later asking him to check them. I mentioned that I saw some and that made me feel uncomfortable. He got super mad at me and bring up the fact that I always check his phone, email, etc.. That those are his stuff and that he feels that I’m just snooping around. I felt very offended by that. I am very confused because of his reaction. I’m a doing wrong? Why he car about secrecy than transparency. I feel that I’m a prisoner in my own house.
Thanks for helping me!
Loli
Terri Cole
Loli-
There is a lack of trust in the relationship and no matter how it got there it needs to be healed. I think it would help you to learn how to communicate effectively with your boyfriend. Sharing how having the tapes there made you feel. He was obviously seriously effected by your breach of trust in the beginning of the relationship and keeps going back to it. There is a great book by Harville Hendrix called Getting the Love You Want for couples. If you read it even if he doesn’t will really help you to understand your own behavior. I do not see it as right or wrong I see it as dysfunctional and not getting you what you want (harmony, love, freedom within the relationship) Therapy is always a good option and the fastest way to understand yourself which will make you feel empowered in your relationship. I hope this helped. I am glad you are here. <3
sahitha
I find it easier to practise this when dealing with people outside of birth family. Hi Terri can you suggest some tips when dealing with members of family of origin especially when you are abit dependant on them?
G
So true, I’d seen your tweet and just checked your webisode…
I super offendable especially when it comes to my relationship with my boyfriend… When (vry few and rare occasions) when I can keep my ego in check – our relationship thrives… But then I get offended, misunderstand him and go as far as adding all the past faults to a small current offence to make my “rightness” even more right… I want him to be sorry – and by that time I am so worked up I dont even know how to calm down until I have a full on argument to vent – its almost by that time I have absolutely no control over my ego but it controls me like an erupting volcano that wont stop until all the energy has been drained….
What is the best tip to nip it in the budd and does the “fight” with ego ever really stop or is it an ongoing concious battle (I ask this because my ego rears its ugly head on an almost unconcious level and very naturally – whereas staying calm is a concious effort which gives my ego an other quick ground to be right “why do I have to try so hard when I am right” – see what I mean
)
If I could calmly state all my truths I would have a less stressful relationship which is what I want… Its an ongoing battle
Thanks for this Terri
xxxx
Terri Cole
G-
Your awareness is the first step to changing it. I believe that creating internal sacred space by meditating daily will help you be less reactive and more responsive. Insecurity and lack of trust and the Fear/Ego/Mafia mind fuels the behavior you are describing. When we love someone and in life in general being ‘right’ is super over rated. When you have to choose being right or being loving choose being loving. Trust me your boyfriend is half of the dysfunctional dance you are doing so he will need to be on board with changing it as well. Therapy is also an awesome way to change more swiftly. I know you can do this. Just keep at it <3
Gunter Frank
I was in a shop with inline-skates on to buy cigarettes and by going a man said “that´s a good mix,to do sports and smoke”.Sure thats better than to smoke and to do no sports, but in this moment i had´nt the right answer for this ass who means to be allowed to piss on every smoker and that angered me the whole day.
Terri Cole
Gunter-
I totally hear you on why this person made you mad. But as you know your power is in not giving a stranger the power to make you feel anything.
Be grateful you are not that negative and judgmental in your own life. Breathe. Release. Repeat. <3
Shelley
Hi Terri! This came at an awkward moment for me because I do indead have a situation with my teenage daughter where we go rounds with our words. We both must suffer from ego problems I guess. But as a parent, I dont want to back down, because I feel my point should be heard. And she doesnt back down either. It doesnt end up good and basically tends to get loud when this happens. I need to learn that by walking away from an escalating situation, it might save face in the end. If you have any pointers on HOW, in the heat of an arguement, to defuse it I would love to know.
As always, Thank you or your wise words and input! You are an inspiration!
Terri Cole
Shelley-
Teenagers are tough. Trust me I know. Try to remember that your daughter is separating and individuating from you and she acts angry and mouthy because it is painful. It is a normal and necessary part of growing up but sucks when yo are in the middle of it. Remember you are the grown up. No need to save face-always deescalate. Refuse to continue if it gets to hot. Just say we will revisit this when we cool off. Don’t put up with any real disrespect but expect an attitude because it is part of the phase of development. Don’t take it personally-remember that you love her all of the time even when she is acting like an idiot <3 Hope that helped. Sending you good vibes
love love love
terri
Kay
Yes…sadly…I have found myself to be quite offend-able lately. There are so many things that I am dealing with that I am a bit on edge. The biggest thing for me now is learning forgive and let it go even when the behavoir that I find offensive continues, or at least the effects of it do. I have to keep envisioning it like water flowing off of a duck’s back. Thanks. Needed this one!!
Terri Cole
Kay-
Try to disconnect yourself energetically from the offender. Focus on what is right and don’t take things personally. In reference to forgiveness I see it as releasing anger so you are free. I do not suggest staying in a close relationship with someone who hurts you. If it is a work situation and you are required to interact-so not give them the power to offend you because you do not love them so zip up your energy and put it somewhere that benefits you. Good luck. <3
Colleen
I’m just about unoffendable – but once in awhile something will “get” to me – then I know it’s time for me to take stock – What’s going on – what’s really going on deep inside – good reality check. Thanks for this weeks offering, Terri. Did you used to be Terri Cole Whittaker? Read your book “It’s none of your business what anyone else thinks of you!” Good book! Blessings -
Terri Cole
Colleen-
No I am not the other Terri Cole W but I hear she is great. Good to hear this week’s tip resonated with you-keep up the good work <3
Darlene Cary
A conversation I have with my young daughter on a regular basis. With so much of the cultural message to girls telling them to be the pleasers. Thanks for the insights!
Terri Cole
Darlene-
I do a lot of writing and work about how to avoid The Disease to Please especially prevalent in young women. Keep up the good work with your girls-they will thank you <3
robin paparella-hardy
Hi Terri – I loved this tune-up tip. It is so true. I become so LESS offendable as I get older and realize it really doesn’t matter what people think of me, or what I say, or what I do. It can get a little sticky when it’s my husband that this is happening with, because when you live in such close quarters you sometimes tend to couch things a bit so you don’t ruffle feathers. But, what kind of authenticity is that? As long as you’re not being rude…
On a separate note, I’d just like to say that I think you’re so incredibly poised, smart, articulate, and empowering. And I really love how you open each tune-up, with that cute: “well, hello!” Have a wonderful week, Robin
Daisy Mae
Perfect timing. I woke up pissed off & have been highly “offended” for 5 days now. Someone who was becoming important to me screamed at, berated, insulted and hung up on me and yes; I most certainly DO feel I’m owed an apology. However, instead of responding in like kind–because this person was totally off-the-hook irrational; I initially tried to defuse the situation & told them that what they were justifying as “a reaction to something I’d said”; was of their own choosing.
However, even though I never screamed or insulted back, my ultimate response was an old standby–which was caving to my need (in that moment) to banish this person from my life by blocking them from my phone & e-mail. I realize that I’m not exactly taking the high road here and that this is a punitive and defensive reaction. But I perceived this tirade (and this person right now) as toxic and crazy; and IT IS unacceptable for me to be spoken to in such a hostile manner. So by blocking, I won’t open myself up for a) More of the same b) Insult-to-injury because I’ll never know if this person didn’t immediately try to apologize–because they couldn’t if they wanted to & c) It’s my way of saying “f*** you, good-bye–you don’t get to do that and remain in my life”. All ego, I know.
Obviously, I AM offendable–but what I truly am is hurt, and I don’t really want to banish this person forever. I also understand that this incident was really about this person’s own displaced rage and that they’ve recently suffered a great loss. However, since they seem incapable of sharing this insight right now, I can’t let compassion trump my own sanity and so I do need to distance myself.
Anyway, what I’m taking from today’s blog is that I really need to release the grudge–and I thank you for pointing out that it’s an ego-oriented waste of energy.
Terri Cole
Daisy Mae-
Thank you for sharing here. There is something to be said that is real about toxic or abusive relationship patterns so I am not totally Anti cutting people out when keeping them in your life means being abused. But I do understand that if this is a pattern for you then you want a better way to resolve conflict than cutting people out all together-that may come later but not as the Go To position.
Being offendable in a situation with someone screaming at you is highly normal as you know. Deciding that you will not interact with anyone in that way for any reason and saying so before you hang up is a start. It is possible to say, “I hear you are upset but nothing good will come from a conversation when you are so hot so I am going to go and we can revisit this when cooler heads prevail.” Or something like that so you start to draw boundaries not motes around the way you will be treated by those in your life. Be gentle with yourself-this is a process and your awareness is the first step to change. You are doing great…slow and steady will get you there…you are on the right path <3
Kathy Brasseur
Just talked about this at my bible study last week. thanks for the affirmation. I really need to remember that I am who I am, and who I am is in no way dependent on what someone else thinks or says about me. I am wonderfully made.
Terri Cole
Yes you are Kathy! It is a relief to know you get to decide about you <3
Heidi
I am getting better at letting othes know when they offend me, I have to look at me first though, what is it about me that makes me feel that way, here is one, recently talking with a father about his son who has been in private school from the get go, my girls are not, he made the comment “well Heidi you got what you paid for”. in regards to my children’s education, saw red. here is the truth, it doesnt matter what he thinks of my children’s education, my ego came right to the top and it did not end well. there are times though that others could be more caring and stop talking.
Terri Cole
Heidi-
Agreed but you always have a choice as to how you will respond. That comment came from insecurity which is what all arrogance stems from-even though it looks like something else. I have a few go to responses to defuse or deal with other people’s out of control ego. In that case I might just have looked him straight in the eyes and said, “Interesting…” or “Very telling…” ok so maybe that is not so healthy but it is empowering to not act offended even if your ego is offended. Your power is to know in the moment that that guy’s judgement of you is really about his own crap! Keep up the good work <3
Jill D.
Hi Terri! Thanks for a great tune up tip this week! Every time I watch your videos I think “oh my gosh she is SO beautiful!”
Terri Cole
Jill-
Thank you for saying so <3 I am so grateful you are here with us! Keep up the good fight.
love love love
Terri
Cheryl
Terri you are spot on here! I so often don’t know how to tell someone they’ve offended me. I bury it until I can’t deal with it anymore and one slight sends me into fighting back and saying things I don’t really mean. How do you learn good communication skills, especially around anger? I grew up in a very hostile, abusive environment and hate fighting, and yet when I’ve finally had enough I revert to anger and hurtful responses. Thoughts?
Terri Cole
Cheryl-
Therapy is a great way to learn how to communicate more effectively and in the moment. I would suggest that you give yourself that gift and see where it takes you. Also upping your self love and self care in all areas of your life will naturally bring your desire to communicate honestly to the forefront. Good luck!
love love love
terri
Jessica
Sorry Cheryl, I posted this twice. I did not realize I could write back directly to you. I think you might also really like to take a class in Nonviolent Communication (NVC). There are books by Marshall Rosenburg and Jane Connor. But I found the classes (like evening workshops) where you interact with others and watch examples in a group setting (usually I hate group activities) but this was really good! Gave me a way to get clear about my thoughts and feelings, and helped me express them as well as my needs in ways that other people are receptive to and can hear me. If you google NVC or non violent communication, their nonprofit site will direct you to your local chapter. I have the books too, but I learn better in a hands on environment where I can see examples in action. It’s also nice to learn in the classes that everyone pretty much struggles with similar things. I would highly recommend checking out NVC in addition to the therapy that was suggested. It’s such a useful tool and a great way to be in the world and communicate with other people. It’s really good stuff! Best to you
Nicole
I loved loved loved this offering. This is something I struggle a lot with and honestly I’m sick of it. I’m looking for ways to let go of that approach and this was such a clear help!!!!!! Love the simplicity of it. And I found your comment about being un-offendable totally inspiring!