It’s what we all want and how we are meant to live.
Yet so often, material success and the things we think will create the freedom we crave, don’t.
So let’s focus our energy on what will.
Here you will learn strategies and tools to create real Freedom by identifying and transforming the fear based, limiting beliefs that are keeping you stuck.
Fear is the opposite of Freedom (and a tricky bastard).
After earning- what I now refer to as- my PhD in Fear, I turned my pain into purpose and taught thousands of clients and students to transform their own fear into Freedom.
Now it’s your turn.
So take a deep breath, say Hello, Freedom and buckle up!
Love Love Love
“Terri Cole is a powerful force of nature. She will teach you how to smash your blocks and unleash your inner fire. If you want to be fearless and free, listen to Terri. Listen very carefully.”
Bestselling Author, Activist, Cancer Thriver
“Some of us are natural IDENTIFIERS, like Terri Cole. Cole’s a psychotherapist-coach, and, as my mother would say, Terri can “shoot bullshit out of the air.” Lucid, like wow. She can look at a relationship dynamic, or a business structure, or a repeating pattern and bam, fwam, shazam, she can tell you what’s really going on in one sentence, in one minute. And she does it freely, anytime of the day, with anyone who’s ready for it.”
Author, Speaker, Publisher, Fire Starter, Creator of Desire Map
While it seems Jay Z and Beyonce are crazy in love, Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick are over. Miley Cyrus is reportedly “too skinny” and George Clooney may have baby fever. In other celebrity news most likely unrelated to your life, Taylor Swift and boyfriend Calvin Harris just made Forbes top earning celebrity couple.
You can’t turn on the television, scroll through FaceBook or browse the magazine section of a store without being bombarded by celebrity news. While it seems that shameless self promotion and the desire to be in the spotlight keeps certain names in the headlines, it’s our cultural obsession that drives this billion dollar industry.
Technology has made it is easier than ever to peek into famous lives. Forget the paparazzi: celebs are sharing pictures of their homes, kids, meals and workouts at a rate faster than you can say “Snapchat”! You probably know a lot more than you should about certain individuals you’ve never even met. And while an issue of US Magazine or an episode of the Real Housewives on Bravo aren’t inherently “bad,” the hype of luxurious lifestyles and the drama of reality tv can be as addictive as a drug for some people.
Doing anything to excess can be a way of avoiding something in your own life. The need to check in on Kim K, a favorite YouTuber or a fellow Instagrammer obsessively, is time and energy taken away from your life and given to someone else’s with very little return. Your life is unique and precious. Spending time focused on or talking about famous people’s lives might just be doing your own a disservice.
A fulfilling and successful life requires your engagement and attention. I know you have dreams and goals. Ask yourself this: is spending a lot of time in the non reality of reality tv helping you accomplish them? Unless you’re using a celeb’s tweets, posts and pics for inspiration to create greatness in your own life, then being overly invested in who is or isn’t dating whom, the best and worst bikini bods or a day in the life of Justin Bieber, isn’t going to help you.
Don’t get me wrong, I love a good mindless hour reading People magazine while getting a mani/pedi as much as the next person. I am not talking about the occasional indulgence. If you’re feeling a bit of a twinge while you read this, like what I am saying may be true for you, then I’d encourage you to consider a choosing differently. Instead of spending a few hours watching E!, Bravo or binging on Orange is the New Black, think about what you could be doing to add value to your own life? Rather than spending time scrolling on social media, what is one action you could take today or tomorrow that would make you feel really good? Also consider questioning what you may be avoiding by focusing outward instead of within.
It is easy to get sucked into the black hole of social media, so in addition to being cognisant of what you pay attention to, honestly keeping track of the time you spend on social media and in front of the tv can be an eye opening exercise and a catalyst for change. I encourage you to spend time reading, exercising, cooking healthy meals or doing anything else that feels nourishing to your soul. Keep your own life at the top of your priority list. What you do is important, and if you’re going to obsess about anyone and anything, choose you and making your life and your relationships the best they can be.
Today and every day, as always, take care of you.
Love Love Love
*image courtesy of CEBImagery
Do you know anyone who has an exaggerated feeling of self-importance? They might also have a sense of entitlement and demonstrate grandiosity in their behaviors and beliefs. They could also have a strong need for admiration but lack feelings of empathy for others. If this sounds familiar then you know a narcissist. Having narcissistic traits is very different and much more common than having a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. But being involved with either type can be very painful, unsatisfying and downright dehumanizing.
While many people have become somewhat familiar with the psychotherapeutic term, those who are most impacted by narcissism are the children who grew up around it. Although not every child is affected in the same way, research continues to uncover the effects of growing up in a home with a self-obsessed parent.
According to mayoclinic.org “behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.” Most narcissists are not who they appear to be. They are actually quite sensitive and can feel overwhelmed by sadness. Their way of hiding these feelings is often through boasting, bragging and exaggeration.
Growing up around a narcissist can create fear and confusion for a child. It also can disrupt their sense of self, which is vital to become a happy and healthy adult. It trains a child to become disconnected from their own needs because their survival is dependent satisfying the needs of the narcissist.
Looking back at your childhood, would you say your feelings, ideas and wants were ignored? Were you constantly doing things your parents wanted to do, even if they weren’t necessarily “child-friendly”? I once had a client who told me that in grade school, while on a father-daughter trip to Quebec, her dad left her alone in the hotel all night to go out to a jazz club. His focus was so skewed towards his own enjoyment that he neglected to consider her needs. This situation was just one of the many many ways he put himself before her.
While it may seem counterintuitive, many people who grow up with a narcissistic parent may express certain character traits of the disorder. Although they may tell themselves they never want to be like mom or dad, that is exactly who they end up becoming. Others find themselves in a close relationship with someone who is a narcissist, often in an unconscious attempt to heal the relationship with their parent. Which will most likely not heal the original wound unless the unconscious information becomes conscious and is processed with the help of a skilled professional.
One of the most upsetting aspects of any dysfunction is that it can be passed on in a family system through many generations. The thought patterns and behaviors create a snowball effect that, unless healed, continues from one generation to the next. The Red Book for Adult Children of Alcoholics says “These symptoms of the family disease of alcoholism or other dysfunction made us “co-victims”, those who take on the characteristics of the disease without necessarily ever taking a drink.” The same goes for children of narcissists. The good news is there is help.
If you have inherited narcissistic traits, married a narcissist or find yourself in close relationships with people who systematically disregard your needs for their own please know that you are not alone. There are many different therapy options that can help you overcome and work through these issues. If you aren’t sure where to start, PsychologyToday.com has an extensive list of therapists you can search by specilaty and geographic area, so that you can find someone that is just right for you. Also the internet is filled with excellent articles on how to overcome a narcissistic parent etc.
Taking the first step isn’t always easy and healing can be hard, but it is worth it. Having more insight into the dysfunction of your parents and how it may still be impacting you, will help you make changes and different choices in your relationships and perhaps in reference to your own behaviour. You deserve to have the opportunity to create harmonious heart connections, with yourself and others. I hope you will take whatever steps you deem necessary and as always, take care of you.
In the comments below please share how narcissism has played a role in your life and how you plan on managing it.
Love Love Love
*image courtesy of a.pasquier
There are certain people that I love spending my time with. My husband, Vic, is one of them. He inspires me to see life through a different lens, makes me laugh and challenges me to be a better person. He is always interested in being a part of the solution, not the problem. He intentionally makes my life better. Then there is my friend, Karen who’s known me for decades, never judges and is a clinical genius. (I am always calling to pick her therapist brain!) These are just two examples of the many relationships in my life that are natural, easy, mutual and harmonious. Of course, just like you, I also have some relationships that are less than ideal.
Think of the relationships in your life. You have the good ones and then the more challenging ones. Do you have friends or siblings where there always seems to be a conflict? To me these are ‘noisy’ relationships that can zap your energy. Some of these more difficult relationships have the potential to, kick up your crazy. So why do we have people in our lives who have the power to make us feel like we might lose control and/or our minds?
There are many legitimate answers to that question. I believe all relationships are assigned to us. If you have a boss, coworker or in-law who drives you nuts, know that they are in your life for a reason. Every relationship is either a blessing or a lesson. Your job is to understand why this person is in your life. What are you meant to learn or resolve from interacting with them? Who do they remind you of? How is your dynamic familiar? Through the process of self discovery, you can move from feeling compelled to stay in these relationships to choosing if you want to stay or not. When you are repeating an unresolved pattern from childhood, like dating unavailable men who represent your emotionally distant father for example, the only way to stop the compulsion towards this pattern is to understand what is driving your actions. If you go back to the original injury and process the pain of having an unavailable Dad, you can stop unconsciously seeking a different outcome through unfulfilling or crazy making romantic experiences.
Understanding the underlying reasons that drive your behavior is the key to becoming truly free in your life and your relationships. Spending time with people who create chaos or make you feel bad about yourself is a waste of your precious life, if you never figure out the real reasons you are being drawn to them. Whether you realize it or not, you can choose who is in your life and how you interact with them. This is not to encourage you to cut off all difficult relationships, it is to inspire you to understand what is really propelling you so you can make conscious choices.
In the comments please share with me how you plan to move forward with those people who kick up your crazy. Will you seek to understand the underlying dynamics of the relationship or set better boundaries? Either way I want to know. Also if you have any questions please feel free to ask. I always look forward to hearing from you.
This week go forward knowing that you have the power to choose who gets the privilege of being in your life.
And as always, take care of you.
Love Love Love
*image courtesy of Andrew Kimmel