It’s what we all want and how we are meant to live.
Yet so often, material success and the things we think will create the freedom we crave, don’t.
So let’s focus our energy on what will.
Here you will learn strategies and tools to create real Freedom by identifying and transforming the fear based, limiting beliefs that are keeping you stuck.
Fear is the opposite of Freedom (and a tricky bastard).
After earning- what I now refer to as- my PhD in Fear, I turned my pain into purpose and taught thousands of clients and students to transform their own fear into Freedom.
Now it’s your turn.
So take a deep breath, say Hello, Freedom and buckle up!
Love Love Love
“Terri Cole is a powerful force of nature. She will teach you how to smash your blocks and unleash your inner fire. If you want to be fearless and free, listen to Terri. Listen very carefully.”
Bestselling Author, Activist, Cancer Thriver
“Some of us are natural IDENTIFIERS, like Terri Cole. Cole’s a psychotherapist-coach, and, as my mother would say, Terri can “shoot bullshit out of the air.” Lucid, like wow. She can look at a relationship dynamic, or a business structure, or a repeating pattern and bam, fwam, shazam, she can tell you what’s really going on in one sentence, in one minute. And she does it freely, anytime of the day, with anyone who’s ready for it.”
Author, Speaker, Publisher, Fire Starter, Creator of Desire Map
In my own life I have a few people whom I love that are Energy Vampires. EVs can be negative complainers who more often than not see the glass as half empty. They can be dramatic and exhausting. They might use guilt to get you to do what they want. You may wonder why I stay in these relationships. Someone being an energy vampire, does not mean they are evil or bad. An energy vampire is simply someone who requires a lot of energy to be around, and who you may feel drained by, after an extended period of time. I see most energy vampires as being positivity challenged. It is easy for them to focus on what’s wrong rather than on what’s right. How you respond and your own level of co-dependency dictates how negatively these relationships impact your life.
Most energy vampires are not trying to intentionally zap your energy. Their life experience and natural tendencies have created their relationship style. If you are in a relationship with an energy vampire, it is vital to accept that you cannot change their behavior. All you can do, is take care of you.
Energy vampires can be extremely caring, charismatic and loyal. Perhaps they are friends that you have had for years, or family that you’ve known all your life. Since these long term relationships are already in place, learning how to navigate them is a good way to preserve the relationship and your sanity!
Check out my top tips for protecting yourself and learning to manage energy vampires.
1. Practice an Energy Routine
My good friend Lara, and personal energy guru, has been practicing energy work for over a decade. Lara has helped hundreds of people restore and protect their energy. Using one of her incredible routines before (and after) any interaction with an energy vampire will help you feel protected and replenished. You can access her work here AND here!
2. Have a Game Plan
When connecting with an energy vampire, it is important to have a gameplan. This may mean you develop an exit strategy. Setting expectations beforehand can help you stick to this plan and honor your time and energy. Mentioning that you have 20 minutes to catch up on Skype, or an hour for lunch before your next appointment, can enforce clear and specific boundaries.
3. Don’t Overcommit
Energy Vampires thrive off other people. Once you give they tend to take, and then take more. You catch up over the phone one day and they most likely will be calling you for a favor the next. They need a lot from other people and usually are not afraid to ask for it. Knowing your boundaries and being unapologetic about them can help you keep a safe distance and not overcommit to anything that may be too draining.
4. Honor Yourself
Only you can know what is best for you. When dealing with someone who zaps your energy it is vital that you honor yourself first and foremost. Recognize your needs. If you’re feeling low energy it’s important to respect that and respond accordingly. Breaking plans or asking for a raincheck may be necessary if you’re just not feeling up to seeing or speaking with an EV.
5. See the Warning Signs
If you are in a new relationship with someone and they are exhibiting EV behavior, you might want to re-think. Below are a few tell tale signs from a Mind Body Green post written by Jen Nicomedes. Jen’s take is a little different than mine but her descriptions below are pretty spot on:
Energy vampires can be your family, friends, clients, colleagues, teachers, neighbors, lovers, or even strangers. And they come in all types…
- There is the blamer, who lays blame on everyone else without ever taking any responsibility.
- The guilt trippers use shame to get what they want.
- Jealous bees can never genuinely feel happiness for anyone else.
- Then there are the insecure ones, who pull others down to their level of low self-esteem.
- The fun haters seem unable to embrace joy. The bullies stomp on the little guys to elevate their egos.
- The Debbie downers, the whiners, the short-tempers, the gossipers, the drama queens, and the list goes on…
6. Carry Garlic
Folklore would have it that vampires hate garlic. Be prepared
(OK just kidding…hee hee)
Most all people have at least one of two energy vampires in their lives. Perhaps for you this is a relationship pattern. Or for others you’ve simply connected with a highly needy person. Either way it’s important to put effort toward the relationship all the while being true to who you are and what you need.
Below I’d love for you to share with me your experience with energy vampires. Do you have any in your life? And if so what is your best approach to dealing with them. I always look forward to connecting with you on my blog and on FaceBook, so don’t be shy. Here’s to an energy filled week and to always, no matter what, taking care of you.
Love Love Love
*image courtesy of Steve Czajak
As a young therapist I feared that I would choose the wrong intervention with a client and inadvertently do them harm. I took my responsibility as a helping professional seriously and still do. When I voiced my concern to my supervisor Ruth she asked me a pivotal question, “ Is your heart in the right place with your clients? Do you hold them in high esteem, treat them with respect and value their feelings?” Without hesitation, I replied, “Yes!” She went on to say as long as I truly cared, did not need anything from them emotionally and did not harbor ulterior motives, healing would happen and I would do no harm. “ Healing is about the process not perfection, Terri,” she assured me. I was relieved but still did quite a bit of hand wringing in those early years. (OK to be honest, the honor, privilege and responsibility of coaching or therapizing clients will always inspire a little preoccupation and hand wringing for me
But not all healers have insight into their own behavior and how it may be impacting their clients. People come into the healing arts for all kinds of reasons. Some are unfortunately, ‘wounded healers’, looking to correct unresolved issues in their own life through their work with clients. (RED FLAG) Some are playing out wounds from their own abusive past with their clients. (RED FLAG) Some simply get greedy. (BIG FAT RED FLAG) That is why it is essential that anyone you hire to be a part of your healing team, is a total pro and treats you with respect at all times. Lately, I have heard more than a few disturbing stories from friends and clients about healers behaving inappropriately and in some cases, unethically.
I have helped clients with abuse backgrounds fire sadistic dentists, condescending doctors and trainers with bad boundaries. One client, Bob, had a long-term relationship with a chiropractor who blamed any and all lack of results on Bob’s lack of commitment to the process. He bullied Bob into staying on a very expensive monthly plan by yelling and cursing at him (like Bob’s abusive father) and then apologizing saying he only wanted Bob to live his best life which is why he was so tough on him (also mirroring the behavior of Bob’s abusive father.) These professionals are all psychological/emotional predators.
It is your job to protect yourself from anyone who may have messed up motives. Know that your unresolved and unconscious stuff, impacts the types of people you attract personally AND professionally. It is not uncommon for ‘clients’ to put their therapists/ nutritionists/ trainers/ coaches etc. on a pedestal. But it becomes dysfunctional if the professional abuses the client’s trust and the position of influence for personal gain. Many people see their healers as the ‘expert,’ therefore believing that they must know better. This is not necessarily so.
Finding the right healer can take time. So whether you are currently working with someone, looking for a new healer or just contemplating getting support, listen up.
Below I’ve compiled a list of some of my best advice to consider when working with or seeking a healing professional.
Red Flag It When…
1. The Price Isn’t Right
If you have to drain your entire savings account to work with someone, then you cannot afford it. There is nothing wrong with a practitioner asking what you can afford and trying to work something out. And nothing wrong with any price structure they decide is right for them. Most healers will do a free consultation so you can see if you are a good fit. But if you clearly state that you cannot afford it and the person continues the hard sell that is a red flag. Remember the highest price doesn’t always mean the best quality.
2. Promises are Broken
In healthy professional relationships expectations are clear. When you both know what to expect you can avoid resentment or confusion down the road. If you feel your practitioner isn’t keeping their word or holding up their end of the agreement, you must address it. You deserve the value you were promised for the money you are paying.
3. It Feels Bad & Familiar
Growth can be hard and it doesn’t always feel good. But if something feels bad AND familiar, like in the case of Bob, you have to figure out what is going on with you. Who does this person remind you of? Where have you felt like this before? Why is this dynamic familiar? Once Bob realized that he was playing out his past relationship with his father in his current relationship with his chiropractor, he was able to stop his part of the repetition and end the relationship.
And although growing pains are part of the process, progress is only possible when you feel safe and supported, even if you are being challenged. If you find yourself dreading your time with your healer, it might be time to ask yourself why. What you are trying to figure out with this person most likely has more to do with your unresolved issues and less to do with the quality of your current life or the health of your spine.
Green Light It When…
1. Your Body says YES
Spend time is stillness and silence and listen to your body for answers. Don’ let a fancy website or impressive testimonials sway you from making the choice that feels right to you. You DO know better than anyone, what is best for you. Trust yourself.
2. You’ve Shopped Around
There are so many incredible healers, and the Internet has created global access! There is no reason not to invest some time shopping around to make sure that you have found the best practitioner for you. Many of my colleagues have some sort of free or discounted consultation. Take them up on the offer, make the connection and see how you feel.
3. You’re Getting Results
The point of working with a wellness professional is to get support and results. While the results you get may not be exactly what you expected, as long as you see personal growth and feel good in the process, then chances are, you’re on the right track.
I hope this post inspires you to take a look at your professional relationships. Whether you have hired a healer you consider top notch, or one that you may have to fire after you finish reading this blog, it is very important to remember the old saying:
To Thine Own Self Be True.
While on the topics of healers, I wanted to let you know that one of my pals and transformational coaching clients, Dina Manzo is back on the reality hit Real Housewives of New Jersey. And if you didn’t already know, it might surprise you to hear that I will be making several guest expert appearances this season, at her request. Every week after the show ends Dina’s After Party begins over on Dina’s Blog at 9pm ET.
You can meet us and tweet us using #DinasAfterParty. Dina’s Dream Team of Experts will answer questions (on Twitter during the show), share insights about the episode and give away wellness goodies. My girl Lara from The Lara Touch is part of the healing crew and giving away a free gift weekly too. Get yours at www.thelaratouch.com/dina-favorite/
Who says reality TV has to be up to no good?
Join #Dina’sAfterParty and learn about healthy choices, tough decisions and how to decode your relationship to FEAR! Visit DinaManzo.com for videos, links and access to free material created just for you!
I know that many of you have worked with or are currently working with healing professionals. So I want to hear from you! In the comments below share with me the one piece of advice you think is most valuable when looking for or working with a wellness practitioner. I’d also love to hear any stories you may have about your own experiences.
I hope you have a beautiful week, full of growth and healing and as always, to take care of you!
Love Love Love
*image courtesy of Pat King
Did you know that just 50 years ago a discovery was made about the brain that forever changed the way we think? Before the 1960’s scientists believed that after early adulthood the brain was essentially immutable.
In essence, you cannot teach an old brain new tricks.
Luckily for us, recent research from world-renowned neuroscientist Richie Davidson conclusively proves that new experiences and information can actually create new neural pathways in the brain, or mind grooves as Danielle LaPorte likes to call them.
Which means in fact you can teach your old brain new tricks! Whooo Hooooo!!
I have personally experienced the truth of this research many times. From overcoming repetitive fear-based thought patterns after a trauma to learning to cook and meditate. I have intentionally created new neural pathways and so can you.
Changing the way you think can change the way you live your life. Your thoughts create your reality, therefore when you change your thoughts, reality shifts. Most of you have situations, aspects of yourself and your life that you wish were different. Yet many of you also feel lost, stuck and frustrated because try as you might, you just can’t seem to make lasting change, that is… until now.
Below are five limiting belief busting tips and tricks that have helped me interrupt negative habitual thought patterns, release limiting beliefs and lay down some new ‘mind grooves.’
Write it Out
Buddhists often refer to the mind as monkey mind, as thoughts can shift from one to the next just as quickly as monkeys jump from branch to branch. Writing out your thoughts is a helpful way to ‘catch’ your thoughts and uncover what it is you are actually thinking. You may be surprised (and a little appalled) by the fearful and limiting thought patterns you weren’t even aware that you are repeating! Consider trying a morning, Mind Dump, where you write without editing just to clear space for intentional thoughts. (Kind of like morning pages, from Julia Cameron’s, The Artist’s Way.)
Author, speaker and Hay House founder Louise Hay is a huge proponent of loving self talk. She suggests that every morning when you wake up you lovingly look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself how wonderful you are and how much you love yourself.
Many of you may feel resistance towards doing mirror work, but it can be very powerful and very healing. So try it out, and if it feels uncomfortable…keep trying. (Hey, if it’s good enough for Louise, it’s good enough for us, I say
You are your own worst critic. Chances are if anyone spoke to you the way you speak to yourself at times, they’d be out the door. Though for a variety of reasons, you have created punitive and perfectionist thought patterns. These thoughts do not make you perfect or even better-they just make you feel like crap. So please try forgiving yourself instead of chastising yourself. The more quickly you can practice self compassion and forgiveness, the less harmful thought patterns you will employ.
We all know that physical exercise releases ‘feel good’ chemicals in your brain. According to neuroscientist, Richie Davidson, so does learning something new but that’s not all. Davidson’ research shows that spending as little as 30 minutes a day, training your mind to do something different can result in measurable changes to your brain. this means more brain health, flexibility, and the ability to adapt better as you age. So whether it’s Words with Friends or learning French get committed to spending 30 minutes a day in your own brain gym and truly keep yourself healthy body and mind.
Sitting still and getting quiet slows the heart, the body and the mind. It puts you at peace and helps you separate yourself from your thoughts. Meditation is a proactive way to build more awareness, decrease mind chatter and amp up mental strength.
Interesting fact: Recently on Big Brother, contestant and my close friend/coaching client Frankie Grande, lead his housemates in a Meditation Transformation inspired meditation. Three months of living together in one house, competing for the $500,000 prize with no contact with the outside world, can be very stressful. Though Frankie was able to calm the house and create such a sense of ease that they requested he lead them in another meditation the following day. Go Frankie! Reality TV turning the world onto meditation? Yes indeed, as Bob Dylan might say, “The Times They Are A-Changin!”
Creating new mind grooves isn’t about just thinking differently, it’s about feeling differently. And the truth of the matter is that when you feel good, you do good. In general people who feel good act more kindly towards one another, have more energy and make more empowered choices. So it’s time to put your stake in the ground and use your awareness to transform negative habitual thoughts and behavior from, I can’t to I will! New mind grooves are just a thought away.
Now I want to hear from you! From the list above what is one tip you will commit practicing in order to create new mind grooves? Also, please share your favorite limiting belief busting tip. You can post your comment down below and also make sure to connect with me on FaceBook. I love hearing from you.
Let’s make this week all about positive thoughts and new ‘feel good’ mind grooves. As always, take care of you.
Love Love Love
*image courtesy of Ars Electronica